Lately, my mirror has been messy.
And not just the glass. My mind has felt just as cluttered. This reflection has followed me for years, flaring up in times of stress.
Over Christmas, stress peaked in our household and like I often do, I responded by shrinking my meals. It felt like the only thing I could control.
But this time, that behaviour didn’t ease off when the tension did.
I’m eating less and less. And even though I know this puts my health at risk, there’s part of me that wants to keep going.
I’ve looked online. According to some sources, my BMI is too low and I should see a healthcare professional. But then I did a body scan that same day and it said I was fine.
I’ve tried keeping a food journal. That helped me stop drinking alcohol during the week when the kids are home, but writing down everything I ate made me hyperaware and actually more anxious.
I’ve tried running more often to increase my appetite. It worked. But when I saw the portion sizes on my plate, I felt overwhelmed. Even though I was exercising, it still made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
I called Healthline. The nurse told me to speak to my GP and keep food journaling. She also quietly admitted she struggled with body image too.
I spoke to my counsellor who reminded me how many women are impacted by body pressure. She shared that she has had to talk to her own therapist about similar issues. That made me feel like I couldn’t bring this up again.
I still get comments about modelling. People ask if I still do it. I laugh and say I’m too old now. But something about those comments stays with me. As if I’m still expected to fit that image.
Many people in my life are worried. Close friends have spoken up. They’ve said if I continue on this path I could seriously damage my health or end up in hospital.
That’s hard to hear. But I needed to hear it.
After sharing all this publicly, the response was incredible. People offered stories and advice from their own journeys. Some talked about food intolerances and how that led them into disordered eating. Others shared how obsession with exercise or tracking food became a trap.
Several people mentioned how easy it is to tip from ‘healthy’ into harmful. And how vital it is to keep an eye on bone density, heart health and mental wellbeing when restricting food.
There were also really practical suggestions:
- Try sitting down to eat with family and friends
- Make a meal plan that includes six small meals with protein throughout the day
- See a dietitian who understands the mental health side of eating, not just the nutrition science
- Stop food journaling if it becomes obsessive
- Consider removing big mirrors for a while
- Don’t weigh yourself every day
- And maybe try a video journal instead of writing one
One person said something that really stuck with me. That the same willpower and discipline I’ve used to control my food can be redirected into healing. Into something positive. If the issue is about control and not appearance, maybe it’s time to control things in a different way.
This isn’t something I can solve alone. And I know I’m not the only one quietly going through this.
So I’m sharing here to say this:
If food has become a form of control for you
If it’s harder to eat even when your body is asking for nourishment
If you are pushing yourself to a limit that is no longer healthy
You are not alone
And it is okay to ask for help
We have counsellors at Mindful Connections who understand this space. While I cannot work with them myself for obvious reasons, I trust them deeply. They offer a safe space to talk about what’s really going on beneath the surface. And if needed, we can also refer you to a more specialised professional.
Control is not the enemy. But we all deserve to feel safe in our minds and bodies.
If this post resonates with you, please reach out.
Let’s talk before it becomes too heavy to carry alone.
